The Northman * * ½

Okay, after The Witch (his best so far) and after The Lighthouse, (most unsatisfying), they have given Robert Eggers a shit load of money to make this thing.... I guess a lot of people must think his last two films were brilliant.

Personally I think his work is pretty bad.  Untidy, silly stories.  It seems the more money you give him the worse he gets - a scenario that is not all together unsurprising. I mean just look at M. Night Shymalan.

Queen Nicole. They got that bit right.

The Northman is not just dumb, it also pretentious, with its Wannabe Shakespeare dialogue which is embarrassingly awful for both the actors and the audience. I will concede there is one fine scene where Nicole Kidman as The Queen lets rip and reveal a frighteningly dark heart, but that's about it.  

Eggers adolescent interpretation of male bonding with farts, animal behavior and indifference to pain continues. It has the kind of voicing and narrative you get in a video game.  The unfolding of the scenes and the story aren't much better.  If it stopped and asked us to wait whilst it loaded the next level I would not have been surprised.

The story is loosely based on a Viking legend.  A king was murdered by his brother so he can claim the throne and the Kings wife. The boy Prince swears vengeance and years later he comes looking for it.  He speaks to some old man who is a prophet who tells him he going to need a sword and only he will be able to wield it. (You might have heard that yarn before).  He is also told a few other things that come to fruition (sort of) including some hot Viking girl who's going to have his baby.  

All that might sound like a grand sweeping saga and I guess it could have been, but it's just boring and plodding with one dimensional characters.  At one stage when he talked about getting vengeance for the tenth time, I felt like yelling out "Well just do it will ya!"

As far all that money I think it was spent on Costume and Lighting and for that I'll give The Northman credit. It can look handsome at times. Sample attached to this review.