Terminator Genisys * * 1/2

Have you ever been in a situation where you are listening to someone tell you about something that happened to them and it’s obvious they are making it up? Then it gets worse as they try to fill in the huge gaps that appear in their story.  And it’s like, rather embarrassing, because you both know they are talking nonsense; so you just smile and politely nod.
Terminator Genisys is a bit like that.  The main characters are constantly jibber-jabbering about this, that, and other things.  “Oh, this happened because of this and that happened because of that and now we have to do this because of the other thing that happened …. remember that other thing I told you about? “  
And you’re thinking, “You know, I really like you. You impressed me since the day I first met you thirty years ago. You don’t need to make up all this other crap."  
Yes, thirty years since that original magnificent, impeccable first Terminator film. What a tour-de-force that was!  The second one (Judgment Day) wasn’t bad either but after the ingenious first one it had to rely more on adventure than surprise.  Even the third one (Rise Of The Machines) kept the franchise looking good -  literally - with a Terminator that incongruously looked like a glamour model.  The fourth (Salvation) was probably best forgotten about - something that is easy to do.  Now we come to the fifth Terminator film Genisys.
I think the problem is, in each of the previous films, the reason for sending a Terminator back through time to kill people and alter the future has become more complex.  The inane expository waffle in Terminator Genysis is insufferable.  But I don’t think the producers understand that no one cares that much.  We just want the basics - who is the Terminator trying to kill? Who is protecting that person?     Though to be fair, trying to explain away a Terminator that now looks like a 70 year old accountant in his weekend bikie gear does take some confabulating.  He refers to himself as Guardian, but his charge, Sarah Connor, calls him “Pops”, which is rather endearing and somewhat appropriate.
The plot - as best as I can understand it -  is set in several time zones: 1984, 1997, 2017 and the future. It  starts off quite promising with a reprise of the original.  Kyle is sent back to 1984 to protect Sarah but he needn’t have bothered.   Guardian (Pops) is already waiting for the original terminator to arrive.  Pretty soon after another Terminator arrives and takes on a Policeman's outer, which is like the one from the second Terminator. So at this stage we are having a pretty good time as happy memories come back to us - what with naked Terminator 1, “Give me your clothes”, and Terminator 2 with metallic liquid hands that turn into blades etc. Sarah, Kyle and Guardian have to stop the launch of a new global Operating System called “Genisys” that will sit in the Cloud in 2017 for all of us to enjoy. This same Cloud will become the platform for Skynet, which is what machines will use to take over the  world. (A bit of a Luddite message going on there.  I’m sure Google aren’t going to like it). 
Then John Connor himself comes back through time. Tears and emotion as Sarah and Kyle are reunited with their son.  But Guardian  smells a fish.  He reckons John isn’t who he claims to be.  He believes John is the latest Terminator model in disguise - or is he?
That all sounds pretty straight forward doesn’t it? But wait till you see it and they show us Kyle as a child and introduce JK Simmons as an old cop who remembers them all (though I don’t remember him).  Then they have to give Kyle two futures and then two memories and then explain it all to us in breathless dialogue as they load guns, program time machines,  and run through buildings.  Then you’ve got an ending which makes no sense: though I should be glad that none of the characters didn't try to explain it through more expository dialogue.
On the positive side there is some fine action here (albeit CGI) with buses going over bridges and  buildings collapsing, a helicopter fight and an amusing altercation with an MRI machine (giant magnets and metallic Terminators don’t mix).
The principal characters Sarah Connor, John Connor and Kyle Reese are all recast with new faces: two Aussies and a Brit.   But Terminator T800-101 is still Arnie.  They dragged him out of retirement to do this.  Maybe they should have followed his lead and put the Terminator franchise into retirement with him. But, to be honest, choosing to cast 70 year old Arnie again was the least of this film's problems, so that should tell you something. Some reviews have said he looks ridiculous, but actually I found “Pops” Terminator quite charming, like a classic old car - or maybe just Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
In the unlikely event of Terminator 6 perhaps they should make it a comedy. They’ve already got us laughing